“Oh. My. God. There’s a bug in my pants.” Lucent Dao, acting Guildmaster of Rakdos, shook his left leg with vehemence.
“You can’t really call those pants, by any civilized definition,” Pivlic snapped, flapping sweatily up through another row of grapevines.
“They’re the latest style in chapbreeches!” retorted Dao. “But who would expect an imp to know anything about fashion, with your six-inch legs on a good day.”
“Well my third leg is a lot longer than yours and that’s what matters,” Pivlic growled, swatting a hornet away with a clawed hand and cursing.
Lucent didn’t answer. But a few seconds later he whimpered and stopped in the path. Pivlic flapped around to see what was the matter, and saw Lucent shaking dozens of earwigs off his toned and clean-shaven calf. The Rakdos moaned and reached down his vest, pulling out a caterpillar the size of a quill pen. Dao shrieked and flung it into the vines.
“I feel like a Golgari whore!” he wailed at Pivlic, wringing his hands and rushing to catch up with the imp. Pivlic rolled his eyes. As if I could save him from the insectoid assault.
“Please tell me you did not put on cologne this morning.” Pivlic eyed his business partner, sniffing suspiciously. Lucent huffed.
“Of course I did! It’s not like I’m going to pay five hundred zinos for a bottle of Zonot Legend Aquasterya III and not rock it!”
Pivlic looked to the heavens for patience. “Lucent. Do you know what the dominant note in Aquasterya III is, for the Void’s sake?”
“I dunno, Pivli. To me it smells like really good sex—with a really hot, really rich merfolk lord.” An audible buzzing was growing louder by the second.
“Yes. The smell of seabloom,” Pivlic said in a resigned monotone.
“What’s that buzzing?” Dao was swiveling his head around and swatting gnats from his fair shoulders.
“Utvaran Wasps,” Pivlic sighed. “Seabloom is known to mimic their mating secretions.”
“Oh fun!” Lucent said. “Wait, wait—what did you just say, Piv?!”
Happy Fiction Friday from Retribution in Ravnica! Read more at www.moxymtg.com.